The Replacement Doctor
by Jaala
Summary: Dr. Pulaski has come onboard the Enterprise to replace Dr. Crusher. But there is a rumour that she killed 47 people. Murder, suspense, romance, and drama. This parody has it all!


**AN: Okay, I was weeding through old files on my Hard Drive and came across this. Only 3 pages were finished, and I couldn't remember where I had planned to go with it or anything. But I liked what I had(I had no clue why I left it sitting), so I finished it up. I think it's my longest TNG parody. Enjoy.**

{We see a dark hallway. Dr. Crusher stands on one end, facing Dr. Pulaski. They glare at each other. Then start walking. They meet in the middle and stop.}

Dr. Crusher: Just remember one thing, Pulaski. This is MY ship! And I'll be back. (She snarls)

Pulaski: Doubtful. The producers decided that your character wasn't working. They gave you up for a more mature and experienced doctor.

Dr. Crusher: Mature and experienced? Well, at least I have the "Babe Factor"! (She swishes her hips as she walks the rest of the way down the hallway.)

{Scene change to Picard's ready room. He is standing in front of the replicator.}

Picard: Tea. Earl grey. Hot!

(The replicator replicates a mug. Picard grabs it and looks inside.)

Picard: Where's the tea?

Computer: It evaporated.

Picard: Evaporated?

Computer: Yes, you see, liquid changes to a gas through a process called evaporation...

Picard: Yes! Yes! I know that! Why did my tea evaporate?

Computer: Well, you said you wanted it hot.

Picard: (Rolls his eyes as the door chime sounds) Come!

Pulaski: (Enters) Doctor Pulaski reporting for duty, Sir!

Picard: (Walks around her) Hmmm...you're replacing Dr. Crusher?

Pulaski: In every way, Captain. (She winks) And I do mean **every way**.

Picard: (Shudders) Er...yes...well...go to Sickbay and wait for something bad to happen.

Pulaski: Perhaps you'd like to come in for a physical. I'm older, and therefore more experienced than Dr. Crusher was. (She moves closer to Picard)

Picard: (Backing away) That will not be necessary. Just... (His eyes widen as Pulaski licks her lips) Just go! Now! Go! That's an order!

Pulaski: Whatever you say, Jean-Luc. (She exits)

Picard: That's "Captain"! I'm the Captain! (He sighs) I'm already missing Beverly.

{Scene change to Sickbay. Wesley is there with some weird machine thingy. Pulaski enters.}

Wesley: Mom! Look! I found a way to stabilize the optronic parameters of the regulatory constant of the universe... (He suddenly realizes that Dr. Pulaski isn't Dr. Crusher.) You aren't my mom!

Pulaski: I should hope not!

(Producer enters)

Producer: Sorry, guys, but Pulaski is here to replace Beverly in every way. That means that Pulaski is your mother, Wesley.

Wesley: No! I don't want her for a mother. She's old!

Pulaski: I do not want that child for a son!

Producer: Sorry. That's the way the script goes.

(Producer exits. Wesley and Pulaski glare at each other.)

Pulaski: (In a forced voice) You were saying, son?

Wesley: Never mind, Mother. It's not important. I think I'll go mess something up in Engineering.

Pulaski: You go do that.

(Wesley exits)

Pulaski: In the meantime, I'll see what I can do about my "son".

{Scene change to the holodeck. It is set up to look like one of those fighting arenas. Troi and Worf are there.}

Troi: I'm glad that you decided to help me work on my fighting abilities.

Worf: (Grunts)

Troi: I know you wanted me to wear something more practical, but the producers told me to wear this tight, stretchy jumpsuit. Something about jiggle-factor. I don't know.

Worf: (Grunts)

Troi: Anyway, show me what I need to do.

(Worf demonstrates how Troi should hold her hands. She tries, but can't get it just right. Worf tries to position her hands, himself, but she starts playing patty-cake with him.)

Worf: (Growls)

Troi: Oh! Sorry! I thought you wanted to play a game. What were we doing?

Worf: (Sighs)

Troi: I sense great exasperation from you. Have you been getting enough sleep?

(Worf acts like he's about to leave, but Troi grabs him and pulls him back)

Troi: I'll be good. I'll do it right this time. Please!

(Worf positions his hands and demonstrates that Troi should do the same. She does, somewhat. Worf shrugs. Then he shows her how to do a certain move. Troi tries to follow, but ends up punching herself in the nose.)

Troi: Ow!!! It's bleeding! (Pause) I feel pain!

Worf: (Tries not to laugh)

Troi: I'm going to Sickbay.

(Troi exits, holding her nose.)

{Scene change to Data's quarters. Data is feeding Spot. The door chimes. Spot gets scared and claws up Data's uniform. Data shrugs.}

Data: Enter.

(As the door opens, Spot runs out. Pulaski enters.)

Data: Doctor, how may I help you?

Pulaski: Robot, I need your help.

Data: I am not a robot. I am an android. There are many differences...

Pulaski: (Hits Data on the head with her tricorder) Did you feel that?

Data: I felt the pressure of the tricorder colliding with my cranial...

Pulaski: Did you feel pain?

Data: No.

Pulaski: You're a robot. I need your help to kill Wesley.

Data: While I disagree with your opinion of me, your mission is a noble one. I will assist you.

Pulaski: Good. (She deactivates Data and slings him over her shoulder. Then she exits.)

{Scene change to Sickbay. Troi walks in and looks around, trying to find the doctor.}

Troi: Hello?

(A nurse enters...played by Denise Crosby.)

Troi: Tasha?

Nurse: (Quickly) No! No! Not Tasha. My name is Nurse **Jasha**.

Troi: Ohhhh. I see.

Nurse: What's the problem?

Troi: I hurt my nose.

Nurse: How?

Troi: Worf.

Nurse: Gotcha.

(The Nurse gets some medical thingies and starts healing Troi)

Troi: Where's the new doctor?

Nurse: Away from here, thank goodness!

Troi: Why do you say that?

Nurse: She killed 48 people, you know.

Troi: Really?

Nurse: Honest.

Troi: Where'd you hear that?

Nurse: The Galactic Enquirer.

Troi: Then it MUST be true!

Nurse: (Nods and pulls out a newspaper. On the front page is a headline that reads: "Old, Experienced, and Mature Doctor Actually a Serial Killer...Plus She Gave Birth to 3-Headed Alien Triplets")

(Troi grabs the paper and starts reading it.)

Troi: Wow.

Nurse: What?

Troi: The world is coming to an end at noon tomorrow. (She looks up) I wonder if that means all the chocolate will be gone.

Nurse: Probably. You wanna keep that?

Troi: Sure.

(Troi exits with the paper)

{Scene change to Ten Forward. Riker is at the bar. Worf sits a couple seats down. Troi walks up and sits beside Riker.}

Troi: (To Riker) Hi.

Riker: (To Troi) Hi.

Troi: (To Riker) How are you?

Riker: (To Troi) Fine. How are you?

Troi: (To Riker) Good. (To Worf) How are you?

Worf: (Looks at Troi) I am Worf. (He takes a sip of his prune juice.)

Troi: (Under her breath) Yes, you are.

Riker: What's that?

Troi: The paper. Look. (She hands it to him)

Riker: Hey, isn't that the new doctor?

Troi: Yep.

Riker: (Reads some of the article) 48 people?

Troi: Hard to believe, right?

Riker: I heard it was 47.

Troi: You sure?

Riker: Pretty sure. (He reads some more) Hey, some teenagers found Sto-vo-kor in their backyard. They're arguing with the Klingon government for the ownership rights. (To Worf) How'd you like that?

Worf: (Grunts)

Riker: (To Troi) Mind if I keep this? It might come in handy if our dear doctor decides to do any nasty business.

Troi: Go ahead. We should keep an eye on her. (To Worf) Worf, are you going to watch the new doctor?

Worf: (Looks offended that she would even ask) I am Worf.

Riker: Well, that answers that.

{Scene change to Engineering. Geordi, Wesley, and some worthless engineers are there. Geordi is running around frantically trying to get work done. Wesley follows, talking, but Geordi pays only half-hearted attention. The warp core is center in the background and the little table thingy is in the front. Geordi and Wesley work around it.}

Wesley: And SO, if the universal constant is 47.6, then that means we should rehibilitize the ionic flux to realign with the matrix giogemeter.

Geordi: (Checking a console) Uh huh....

Wesley: So THEN, we can ifitize the nobliar reactors and increase efficiency by .0047 percent! (Smiles triumphantly)

Geordi: (Typing something on a PADD) Uh huh...

Wesley: Aren't you impressed?

Geordi: (Helps out a new recruit) Uh huh....

(In the background, we see Spot make a grand leap past the warp core. Geordi and Wesley both pause.)

Geordi: Uh....huh...

(Wesley follows Spot offscreen. Geordi goes back to work. A couple minutes pass. Pulaski enters with Data across her shoulder. Geordi looks up.)

Geordi: Uh huh...

Pulaski: Hi. I'm Dr. Pulaski, replacing Dr. Crusher. Just think of me as the New and Improved Friendly Shipboard Doctor.

Geordi: You don't look new.

Pulaski: (Frowns) What does that mean?

Geordi: Nothing. Nothing. Why are you carrying Data around?

Pulaski: (Acts like she had forgotten about Data) Oh! The robot! I'm going to use him for something.

Geordi: What would that be?

Pulaski: Killing someone.

Geordi: You know, here on the Enterprise, we really don't approve of killing people.

Pulaski: Well, it's Wesley...

Geordi: Oh! That's okay, then.

{Scene change to the Captain's Ready Room. Picard is watching the fish in that tank.}

Picard: (Voiceover) Captain's Personal Log Stardate 12345.6: After not much consideration, I have decided to kill Dr. Pulaski. She annoys me, and I want Beverly back. I am still undecided as to the method of this murder. But I think I will frame Troi. She's always annoyed me, too.

Picard: (Staring at the fish) I wonder how they got in there...

{Scene change to Engineering again. Riker is in there, leaning against a console talking to Geordi. He has the paper out.}

Riker: And listen to this, "Hershey's 'Whoppers' candy contain poison. Part of Hershey's plot to take over the world".

Geordi: Really? I had some this morning.

Riker: It says that the only poisoned ones are on a small planet in the middle of nowhere.

Geordi: That's okay, then. Can I see that?

(Riker hands the paper to Geordi)

Geordi: Hey, look! There was an incident a while back where a lot of radiation caused somebody's VISOR to come to life and kill people. (He looks up) That's odd.

Riker: Eh, that's a little hard to believe. I'm skeptical on that one.

Geordi: You're right. Mind if I keep this?

Riker: Go ahead. I've read all the articles.

Geordi: Thanks.

{Scene change to a dark room. Shelves loom everywhere. There's just enough light to make out Wesley searching for Spot.}

Wesley: Here, Spot! Where'd you go?

(Pulaski enters silently. Wesley is bent over, facing away from her. Pulaski smiles and throws Data at Wesley. Data hits Wesley, knocking him to the ground and crushing him. Pulaski leaves.)

{Scene change to bridge. Picard, Riker, and Worf are there.}

Picard: ...and that started the great English Migration to France.

Riker: That's why you have an English accent, but you're supposedly from France?

Picard: Exactly.

Riker: Makes sense.

(Troi enters in a panic)

Troi: Pain! Death! DEATH!!

(Picard and Riker stand up, alarmed)

Riker: What happened?

Troi: Wesley's been KILLED!!!

Riker: Oh.

(Picard and Riker sit down.)

Troi: Aren't you going to do anything?

Picard: Celebrate?

Troi: (To Worf) Will you do something?

Worf: (Thinks for a minute) I am Worf.

{Scene change to the security office. Picard, Riker, Worf, and Pulaski are there.}

Pulaski: He was crushed to death by a very heavy weight.

Picard: Do we know who did this?

Riker: Data.

Picard: Really? I always knew he was good for something. How do we know?

(Riker turns on a monitor. It shows Wesley in the room looking for Spot. Wesley is at the left end of the screen. Suddenly, Data flies across from right in a rather cheesy effect and knocks into Wesley.)

Picard: Well, that settles it. I think promotions are in order for that android.

Pulaski: (Looks confused) But he murdered someone. Isn't that an offense?

Picard: Not when it's Wesley.

(Pulaski looks confused)

{Scene change to a corridor. Geordi is walking along, reading the paper.}

Geordi: Hmmm..."How To Hypnotize Women to Make Them Fall For You: An Article For Pathetic Losers". That's me!

(Geordi stands to one side reading. Picard walks past, but stops in front of Geordi.)

Picard: What is that?

Geordi: Oh...uh...paper.

Picard: (Grabs it) I'll just take that! You get to Engineering and make sure we don't explode or something.

Geordi: Okay...

{Scene change to the bridge. The usual people are there, minus Data. Data enters and everybody stands up to applaud.}

Data: Why is everybody applauding me?

Troi: You killed Wesley.

Data: Did I?

Riker: (Nods)

Data: Oh. That is very noble of me. (He sits down) I expect a promotion.

Picard: I'm sure you'll get one.

(Meanwhile, Pulaski has walked up to Tactical to have a heart-to-heart with Worf.)

Pulaski: Er...Klingon...I don't feel that you're doing your job quite...right.

Worf: (Looks shocked and ready to pull her arms out) I am Worf!

Pulaski: I know that, you bloodthirsty tribble-killer. But there has been a murder aboard the Enterprise. Shouldn't you be arresting the killer?

Worf: (Shrugs)

Pulaski: You're a pathetic excuse for a security officer!

Worf: (As if to offer an explanation) I am Worf.

Pulaski: (Rolls her eyes and leaves)

{Scene change to Ten Forward. Troi is there, eating chocolate. Geordi walks up.}

Geordi: Mind if I join you?

Troi: Sure. Have some chocolate. The end of the world is tomorrow.

Geordi: Really. How interesting. (He looks at her very intently.)

Troi: What's the matter?

Geordi: Nothing. Just look at me.

(Troi looks at him)

Troi: What?

Geordi: You feel an incredible urge to kiss me right now.

Troi: Not really.

Geordi: Yes, you do.

Troi: No, I don't.

Geordi: Do, too.

Troi: Do not.

Geordi: Do, too.

Troi: Do not!

Geordi: Do, too!!!

Troi: No, I DON'T!

(Troi leaves in a huff)

Geordi: Darn it! If only the captain had let me finish that article.

{Scene change to Sickbay. Pulaski is there, looking thoughtful.}

Pulaski: Stupid people. I'm surrounded by stupid people! I want that robot out of here! (She has an idea) And I know just how to do it!

(Pulaski leaves quickly)

(A couple minutes later, Picard enters with a phaser and some chocolates.)

Picard: (Talking to himself) Shoot her. Leave the trail of chocolates behind leading to Troi's room...it's perfect! (He looks around and realizes that Pulaski isn't there) Well, darn it! Where is she?

(Picard exits)

{Scene change to Data's quarters. He is holding Spot.}

Data: Spot, that was very bad of you to run away like that. One would think that you do not enjoy my company.

(The door chimes)

Data: Come in.

(Pulaski enters. Spot gets scared and runs away. Data sighs.)

Data: Yes, Doctor?

Pulaski: Robot, I don't like you.

Data: I am sorry.

Pulaski: No you aren't, you unfeeling hunk of metal. Come here! (She switches him off and slings him across her shoulder.)

(Pulaski exits with Data.)

{Scene change to one of the top decks of Engineering. We can see the very top of the warp core. Pulaski is there with Data. It's dark and ominous and, very conveniently, nobody else is around.}

Pulaski: (Unscrews the top of the warp core and places the lid to the side.) Good-bye Mr. Robot.

(She pauses while just about to throw Data into the core. She looks down to see Spot rubbing on her leg and meowing.)

Pulaski: (Kicks Spot) That darn cat!

(Spot hisses and runs away into the shadows)

(Pulaski gets ready to throw Data into the core...but she hears a scream.)

Wesley: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(Wesley runs onscreen. Pulaski is so startled that she drops Data onto the floor. Wesley runs into Pulaski, nearly knocking her into the warp core.)

Wesley: You won't kill Data like you killed me!

(Pulaski is tottering on the edge of the warp core, holding her balance, but just barely. Spot walks up. Both Pulaski and Wesley watch as the cat sits down in front of Pulaski. With a very satisfied look on his/her face, Spot reaches out a paw and taps Pulaski's leg. The doctor falls into the core.)

Wesley: Good job, Spot! I bet you're wondering how I got here. Well, I had died, but decided I didn't really like it. So I used my godlike powers to restructure the laws of the natural universe to bring myself back to life. Thank goodness I still had a body here, otherwise I would never have been able to do it.

(Spot, annoyed that Wesley's back, bites his toe and scratches at his leg. Wesley, caught by surprise, gives Spot a little kick. Spot then leaps onto Wesley's face, sending him falling back into the core. At the last second, Spot jumps off and away from harm. Then she/he starts to give itself a bath.)

Picard: (Entering) Spot! Did I just see you kill both Pulaski and Wesley?

Spot: Meow.

Picard: (Pets her/him) Good kitty. Have some chocolate.

Spot: (Purrs)

{Scene change to bridge, a couple days later. Spot is in the Captain's chair. Everybody else is there. Picard sits in Riker's seat, and Riker sits in Troi's seat. Troi sits in Riker's lap. They look happy.}

Data: Captain, how long will my cat remain in your seat?

Picard: As long as he/she likes, Data. After all, your cat has done us a great favor.

(Suddenly, beautiful music starts to play and Dr. Crusher comes onboard.)

Picard: (Standing) Beverly!

Crusher: Jean-Luc!

(They run to each other.)

Crusher: Wesley is dead?

Picard: (Nods)

Crusher: And Pulaski?

Picard: Also dead.

Crusher: This is the happiest day of my life!

Spot: Meow.

Worf: (Sneezes)

Crusher: Worf, are you okay?

Worf: I am Worf.

(Picard opens up the paper and starts reading)

Picard: Good Lord! Baldness is linked to virility!

Beverly: I knew THAT, Jean-Luc.

Picard: Beverly! (Regains his composure) Set a course for some planet. (Does that funky finger thing) Engage!

{Shot of Enterprise zooming off.}

Beverly: (Voiceover) Really? You want to get engaged, Jean-Luc?

Picard: (Voiceover) Beverly!

**AN Cont'd: Originally when I finished it, I didn't have any of the tabloid scenes. But I thought that it moved too quickly so I threw in a B plot. Hey, if TPTB can do it, so can I!**


End file.
